Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they cant see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

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     gwen101087 submitted 3 yrs ago

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A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker:

"I 've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and ain't never seen anything like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Shit"

found at http://www.ticklemewithjokes.com

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     jokesforyou submitted 3 yrs ago

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

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     cindyl0712 submitted 3 yrs ago

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-- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

-- Oral sex makes one's day. Anal sex makes one's hole weak.

-- Sex is like bridge game: don't need partner if you have good hand.

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     Cara_Leex submitted 3 yrs ago

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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why cant you see? Them cows, theyre roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, theyre roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each others bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husbands penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin" he chuckles proudly, "Thats marope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, thosere my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "Whats the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

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     sonnyleex submitted 3 yrs ago

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Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.

Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from -- I don't do the laundry!"

So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties -- just ask your husband!"

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

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     love_hate0710 submitted 3 yrs ago

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Q: What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and oral sex?

A: One makes your day; the other makes your whole week.

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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-- The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
-- He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
-- It's a game of inches.
-- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
-- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
-- He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
-- He found his tight end.
-- He had to stretch to get it in.
-- He gets penetration in the backfield.
-- He could go all the way.
-- He gets it off just in time.
-- He goes deep.
-- He found a hole and slid through.
-- He pounds it in.
-- He's got great hands.

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     love_hate0710 submitted 3 yrs ago

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