What do vibrators and soybeans have in common?
They are both meat substitutes!

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     s_flatly submitted 3 yrs ago

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

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     rain_love0803 submitted 3 yrs ago

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A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks.

The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."

Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."

Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"

"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."

"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."

"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

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     sonnyleex submitted 3 yrs ago

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Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

found at http://www.ticklemewithjokes.com

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     jokesforyou submitted 2 yrs ago

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A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass.After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," he said, "...we were married for 25 years."

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     coopes64 submitted 2 yrs ago

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What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed.
A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.

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     Cara_Leex submitted 3 yrs ago

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For several years, an American man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

'Send extra sauce

found at http://www.ticklemewithjokes.com

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     jokesforyou submitted 3 yrs ago

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope........ . just when it's raining"

found at http://www.ticklemewithjokes.com

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     jokesforyou submitted 3 yrs ago

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An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'


The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.


A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The! e sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.


This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.


Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare

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     coopes64 submitted 3 yrs ago

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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. John asks Sam if he has a lighter. He replies, and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.

Surprised John asks "Where did you get this?"

Sam replies " Oh I have a personal genie."

John asks "Can I make a wish?"

Sure says Sam "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says John as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks what he wants.

John says "I want a Million Bucks"

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.

John looks at Sam, "Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"

Sam replies "Do you realy think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

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     gwen101087 submitted 3 yrs ago

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