One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the days lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

Theyre all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:"Make'em all ugly again".

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I dont care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men reading this are still checking their thumbs!

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     coopes64 submitted 3 yrs ago

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Maam, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know youll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 436."

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     emily_121287 submitted 3 yrs ago

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THE PERFECT MAN

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000?

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

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     coopes64 submitted 2 yrs ago

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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds...

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were you trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting.

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     golmao submitted 3 yrs ago

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

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     karenl1119 submitted 3 yrs ago

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A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

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     mofito submitted 3 yrs ago

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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
When you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
Bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
Could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
Reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
Of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
Going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
The old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
The perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
To find your perfect mate again.






YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................




The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
Coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
Keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
Would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
Thought limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'




HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
Her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
Of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

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     coopes64 submitted 3 yrs ago

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